👑 THE POOP KING 👑
"Sitting on the Throne of Your Lawn's Worst Nightmare"
"Sitting on the Throne of Your Lawn's Worst Nightmare"
Is your yard a MINEFIELD of canine land mines? Are you TIRED of playing hopscotch through a DANGER ZONE of doggie deposits?
WE'LL TAKE YOUR CRAP... LITERALLY!
The Poop King has connections with "waste management specialists" who know how to make problems "disappear" - if you know what we mean. When we're done, it'll be like that poop never even happened.
Our "cleaners" operate under cover of darkness if needed. We're DISCRETE. No questions asked. No paperwork required*.
*Some paperwork actually required. Cash preferred.
🔥 The "What Poop?" Package - $49.99/week. We make ALL evidence vanish. Perfect for homeowners facing HOA fines or "complaints" from nosy neighbors.
🔥 The "Midnight Special" - $99.99. For those emergency situations when you need a cleanup BEFORE DAWN. No questions asked. Our guys wear black.
🔥 The "Competitive Edge" - $199.99. We'll clean YOUR yard AND relocate the findings to your enemy's property. (For legal reasons, this is a joke**)
**But seriously, call us to discuss. We know people.
"After my neighbor complained about my dog's contributions to his yard, I called The Poop King. Now my neighbor doesn't complain anymore. He doesn't even look me in the eye. WORTH EVERY PENNY!"
- Mike D., Definitely a Real Customer
"When they say they make the poop disappear, they ain't kidding! I don't know where it goes, and frankly, I don't wanna know. My yard's clean and that's all that matters."
- Susan T., Who We Totally Didn't Pay For This Review
"Had a big garden party coming up but my 3 Great Danes had turned the yard into a war zone. Called The Poop King at 2 AM. By dawn, it was spotless. The guy was wearing sunglasses. At night. Professional."
- Anonymous Client Who Values Discretion
"My HOA was about to fine me thousands. The Poop King not only cleaned my yard but somehow the HOA president's car got covered in... something. Fines disappeared! Coincidence??"
- A Very Happy Customer With No Connection To This Business
We don't just clean poop - we ELIMINATE it from EXISTENCE
Our "workers" have experience handling all kinds of "waste"
We offer special "discounts" for people who know the secret handshake
Our competitors keep having mysterious "accidents" - funny coincidence!
We treat every dog deposit like it's evidence at a crime scene
DON'T GET YOUR HANDS DIRTY... LET US DO YOUR DIRTY WORK!
The Poop King is not responsible for any intimidated neighbors, suspicious holes in your yard, or mysterious midnight operations. All sales final. No refunds. Don't ask where the poop goes. Seriously, don't ask. Cash payments receive a special "discount." We reserve the right to use your before/after photos in our "collection." The Poop King is not affiliated with any actual royalty or organized waste management syndicates. Probably.